inshop.com: Naked Underneath: Dressing Men

VALERIE REISS
02/01/2000

Men often need help dressing. A recent New York Times Magazine included an article by a man who's ex-girlfriend bought him clothes one too many times 3 he felt he was being redone in a way he did not want redoing. Her clothes-giving (and their relationship) culminated in a Helmut Lang birthday suit.

This is nothing new. Women have been dressing men for eons: "You're not going to the Flintstone's party in THAT pelt, are you? But I love this pelt, I've had this pelt forever. I know, honey, but how about wearing this one instead?"

Sometimes this kind of remodeling is questionable. But sometimes it is just plain necessary. Case in point: Jason. A love, a hoot, brainiac, hair the color of lit embers and a loyal, great friend. But the clothes? Ooh, those early days were rough. Poly-blend short-sleeve plaids, ill-fitting khakis, big basketball shoes. His whole demeanor screamed, "Dress me."

A soft soul heeded the call. Devora introduced a vest here, a cotton shirt there, new glasses and regular shoes. I suspect she was also responsible for the proper cutting and placement of all that red hair.

By the end of college, the rough jewel shined. He was happy, even relieved, I think, to have his clothes better reflect who he was. And she showed her approval by marrying him. It was symbiotic, even-Steven. At least from my outsider perspective.

I do not know the internals of their dynamic, but I do know how my own brain and ego work when I dress men. Take my current beau, for example. I love buying him clothes. It's like shopping for myself with an extra thrill attached. I imagine how he will look in it, how much he will like it and how profusely he will thank me for it.

Because of the latter blind spot, I find myself rolling through a mental checklist every time I buy for him. Is it so him or very me? Am I buying this item so he will better resemble my ideal man/ex-boyfriend/hot J.Crew guy? Does it match his lifestyle and philosophy? And, What is the message of this gift? Is it I love you, I love you but wished you dressed better, or Change now! For me!?

Much to my ego's chagrin (it likes to think of itself as a selfless river of giving), I often find my road of good intentions clotted with selfishness. Sometimes I pretend not to see these blots of self-service, but I usually trip over them on my way to the cash register. Then I pick myself up and evaluate the degree of my selfishness: Am I buying this flannel shirt so that he will be softer to hug, or because I like outdoorsy chic better than his generic preppy?

Sometimes I am a giver with a gift in my heart and sometimes I am a giver filled with my own need. But the truth is, my man would never attempt to buy me clothing that I hadn't selected, and this makes me think. A sweater, a scarf or well-chosen earrings 3 divine. But any sort of deliberate alteration of my style would eventually, if not quickly, make me feel stifled and insulted -- like the man in the New York Times article.

Maybe the rules of therapy and Alcoholics Anonymous can be translated and applied to dressing men AND women: you cannot -- and should not -- dress anyone who is not ready to dress themselves.

BACK TO WRITING CLIPS INDEX

TOP

WRITING CLIPS | BLOG | BIO | CONTACT