i am grateful for…

1) several days with 50 young contemplatives (myself being a youngish contemplativish) talking and being about actvism that starts from minding our own shadow hearts before and while addressing others’

2) getting to lead some freewriting

3) food, inc. it’s rough but worth sticking out. i thought i knew it all, but it’s in much sharper relief now.

4) mary oliver

5) j. crew’s tank top with shelf bra. really, now like the best thing i own outside of my laptop.

6) being able to talk about hard stuff with an open heart

7) coming home to warm arms

8) trees, stars, water, moss, turtles, birds

9) yesterday’s scan going smoothly as it could

10) the nurse asking me “are you cold? you got goosebumps the second i raised your sleeve. want a warm blanket?” and me thinking a warm blanket just meant the warmth of a blanket and then discovering that it was a warmed blanket. heated. i was like, “how have i been coming here for five years and never known about the warm blankets?” she did not know how that could have been missed. and i said, “so fancy!” and she said, “well, you know, we’re memorial sloan kettering, we’re fancy here,” with perfect comic delivery.

11) running into the owner of a local yoga studio last night while i was waiting for b. to meet me to leave for my scan. and him saying, “that’s so weird, i was just sifting through a ton of krishna das video footage (he helps out kd) the other day and came across three minutes of you dancing at a kirtan on the upper west side.” already weird. but when he walked away i realized that footage was shot the same night i had my last oncologist appointment six months ago. i don’t know what exactly to do with those kinds of perfect parallels and coincidences. but i do believe they are significiant. but like this quote from a physicist in this article on a new anti-matter discovery: “I would not say that this announcement is the equivalent of seeing the face of God, but it might turn out to be the toe of God.”

12) pema coming!

13) that mskcc is now offering “breast shields” for ct scans to protect soft tissue from excess radiation. brand new. and they come in sizes, they said. it’s a thin layer of lead that the scanner can see through. cool, right? it’s really just a piece of what feels like a heavy piece of paper. blue.

14) drinking post-scan chlorophyll in the form of a candle cafe green goddess juice (see above–photo courtesy bc’s iphone)

i am grateful for:

1) stars!

2) amethysts

3) snuggles

4) stopping the running to talk, breath, listen, feel, and think in real time

5) my amazing supporters–no not my bras, though i like those (sorry, it’s a “grease” joke–”athletic supporters”? anyway). the beloved geniuses who say just the right wisdom at just the right moment.

6) the jiva café for teaching me patience

7) forms and contracts and details for teaching me attentiveness

8) bananas

9) incredible seaweed salad

10) words and a phrase i heard tonight from people from all around the world–awakening, seeds, present, transformation, heart, conscious, connection, grateful, sustainable happiness

11) sleep

12) remembering that i need a daily spiritual practice. yes, i said daily, me.

i am grateful for…

1) robert downey, jr. not such a fab movie, but “i’ve officially privatized world peace” is so good and so perfectly delivered, i’ll forgive such a wonky plot.

2) my space heater, even though it is may.

3) puffins, the cereal

4) what liz gilbert said about julia roberts, who is playing her in the film of “eat, pray, love,” in a times profile: “There’s this luminousness to Julia,” Ms. Gilbert said. “It’s almost as if she was always lit from behind. If she wasn’t a movie star, the only other job she could have would be professional fairy.”

5) estrellas

6) being hurt but not felled by a mean comment on my blog. it’s so easy to talk about being empathetic to someone who is clearly hurting and choosing to be horrible, and so damn hard to do.

7) kitcheri! a wonderful brown rice/mung bean porridge that’s supposed to be healing and tastes delicious with bragg’s liquid aminos. also grateful for the cool coincidence that lead me to eat my first bowl at jiva.

8) donna delory’s heavenly, heart-opening voice. and that bc might love kirtan.

9) being cooked for

10) that seeds around me seem to be taking root

11) sleep and naps and nappy sleep and sleepy naps

12) good toes

13) silk

14) the smell of flowers everywhere, still

15) this, from modern family:

CAMERON, on his family, which consists of him, his boyfriend, and their adopted Asian daughter Lily: “We’re very traditional.”

MITCHELL (his partner): “Yes, that’s what the disabled lesbian shaman who blessed Lily’s room said too.”

i am grateful for:

1) remembering to write a gratitude list when i’m cranky

2) coconut water from bonobo’s

3) the way people outside look like pale flowers who have been hiding from light just out, dazed, newly skin-bared

4) blue–cornflower, azure, periwinkle

5) being productive. helped by bc’s timing of me in 30 minute increments. i can do anything for 30 minutes. well, almost, even my employee self-evaluation, which i’d rather drink nails than write. it’s hard enough to take the criticism when it’s doled out. and though i’m certainly no stranger to criticizing myself, it’s just mind-scrapingly depressing somehow. oh. um, gratitude. i’m grateful i have an employee self-evaluation to fill out.

6) home catalogs. oh, garnet hill my house-porny little pleasure.

7) earbud headphones that fit without hurting or falling out

8) the woman at bowery whole foods last night who explained to us where she got her turquoise cowboy boots upon request. she also had a gold trenchcoat and limgreen tights and gold rhinestone glasses and perfect teeth. coolest person ever! and she was so nice. she voiced a beliefn i’ve held deeply for ages: “i always want the girls’ clothes–kids clothing come in so many better colors and i think they would be surprised how well they would actually sell to women.” amen, sister. god bless the taupe-free zone.

9) buddha

10) sandalwood malas. they smell good.

11) the rope chair above

i am grateful for:

1) t-shirt weather

2) blue marble ice cream

3) s. for showing me the shala–first yoga in a while that’s left me aching in a good way

4) rollercoasters, the metaphoric kind, when they are actually apparently a sign of activity, of life, of movement, not just nauseating repetitive motion

5) beaches. oh ocean, i meese you.

6) brie and ripped bread

7) writing buddies who come over on a saturday to make sure you write what you need to write when you need to write it

8) also, writing buddies who remind you to write the “most you” when you’re freaking about writing the “best for them”

9) a boyfriend who seconds that emotion

10) shark dreams–i had one last night. a sure sign of impending cat scan. it was swimming underneath a raftboat in a windy place. i was excited and scared the see the light illuminating its gills and fin. I saw its left side and it was swimming away from me, toward my left. some might say that means it’s swimming toward my past, not my future. which i like. hi, sharky.

11) breathetext.com. omg. sign up. it is an awesome text messaging service, free, that reminds you in roughly three words or less to breathe everyday. heart it.

12) susan miller’s aries forecast for may. the best line: “YO, ARIES! Your time has come!”