i saw the poet taylor mali perform last summer; he’s a friend’s friend and favorite, and after that hilarious, enlivening night i favored him too. there was one poem that got caught in me, but i couldn’t recall the name, just a couple of lines and how it made me feel. (it would be cool if you could google your feelings–”seen” “awakened” “saucy” “yes”–and just the right thing would pop up.) i’ve been meaning to dig it up for a year.
i got to churning on it again when i saw this cool typographical video someone did with one of his poems, “totally like whatever, you know?” (below). so this weekend i emailed taylor, who has won poetry slams galore, and he was lovely enough to respond right away. “i want a woman,” the poem is called. (thank you, taylor!) it was instantly clear why it was still whirlpooling in me. (i haven’t asked permission to post, so google away–i found it on an ok cupid profile.) in my searching i also discovered he’s got a reading/book release party coming up on 9/9/09 at bowery poetry club. yay. wanna come?
anyway, below, video, for fun and inspiration on speaking declaratively, living declaratively (tho spell-check has decided that “declaratively” is not a word). it’s made me re-notice the absolute snowdrift of ums and likes and you knows and sorta, kinda, maybes i bury myself in to seem less threatening or potent and more cute and humble and deferential. which i’m like totally fucking not.
day part over and well-spent, night part in a little bit. both social, wet, and good.
i am grateful for:
1) WALKING OUT OF YOGA CLASS. yes, i did it. different teacher, same ridonkulousness. i have this hip thing that’s acting up so instead of doing the 9,000th malasana (squat) of the class, i tipped back into a little bit of supta whatever to open my psoas. i got the vibe that it wasn’t ok, but they’re my hips. next pose is also something hip-scrunchy so i did a one-sided supta thing without removing my blanket from under me–not ideal for the legs, but not awful. and teacher goes, “i need you to do what we’re all doing. that’s not safe.” me (probably already irritated from bad dreams and achy hip): “i have an injury, i’m modifying.” her, annoyed: “that’s just not safe.” no “what’s the injury,” “what’s going on,” “here’s how you can modify,” “you might want to move that blanket.” but a reprimand. oy to the om. and i did a little brain-twirl of thinking “i must just be giving off bad energy,” that’s why these teachers are behaving so ungenerously. i thought about suffering through the rest of class steamed again–trying to transform the whatever-whatever, but then i was like, “honey, this is your cue to hit it.” so instead of dragging my mat to the wall, i dragged it across the room, told her my injury was too bad (full honesty didn’t seem quite right here), and left. i am grateful for that and the 900 lessons enfolded in that. (like: i know my body best, i don’t need to get really vulnerable in what feels like an unsafe environment to prove that i can, i don’t have to be in the right or even have “good energy” to be worthy of self-care, yadda.)
2) an inspired, sparkly girl-day with e.–appliance purchase negotiatings, mind-meld chatting, and a hot pink mani-pedi. thanks, sistah. (also grateful for: the word mani-pedi.)
3) mango kombucha
4) that this is my new motto to imbibe like water: “there are no problems here.” when i get all a-tizzy and it seems like something is very at-stake, I can say “there are no problems here.” i can stop and notice. a softer, more digestable, resonant version of my dad’s “they’re not shootin’ bullets at you” or “it’s better than a stick in the eye!”
5) gestating. metaphorically.
6) julia glass’s newish novel, forgetting the name. i always fall so in love with her people. three junes is my fave. the books are so deceptively smooth and yummy that you might think they’re fluff, but that shit takes work.
7) color in the rain
8) that every car driving by today is playing michael jackson. happy 51st, mj.
9) curly-ass crazy wild-woman hair
10) that my dancer dervish gets to come out and rock next weekend. must get her out more, get her to something funkay soon. does krishna das take requests? james brown, please. praising the name with the booty.
i feel like roadrunner’s legs when he’s motoring across the desert. swooooosh. work, sleep, yoga, work, book, sleep, work, friends, sleep, work, book, etc. it’s good though. it keeps my brain from turning into too many unlit labyrinths. i am grateful for:
2) signing up for omega’s ecstatic chant weekend for labor day. wheeee! hare krishna!
3) that i’ve gotten to spend a lovely, not-too-lonely friday evening listening to a chant 101 mix i’m making, drinking mint iced tea, eating a lil ricotta pizza from amorina, and painting the rest of my sri yantra.
4) summer adventures
5) that i found a bunch of journals last night and discovered i took better notes than i thought
6) feeling kinda inspired
7) noticing how when i’m on my own i become more myself. or more of something that is not someone else, so i’m assuming that’s me. i mean i never thought i’d let myself get so immersed in chanting and yoga and and yantra and mantra and unafraid to wear a paisley indian dress with malas and lotus earrings all at once, like i did today. i think i’ve always been so oddly committed to not fully committing to what deeply draws me, out of some desire for “balance”–like i can’t be too much of one thing; a little bit country a little bit hip-hop. but instead of being a mix of interests i was just kind of stuck. i don’t know where i got this thing that says you shouldn’t dive too deep into one interest area–was it the well-rounded-for-college myth they were selling in the 80’s and early 90’s? anyway, this is to say i’m living the digging deep phenom. it is leading me into new territory, where the non-skimmers live, which is scary and wonderful. when i was 22 a psychic in maui said to me, “it is like you are driving with the brakes on.” maybe my red tail lights are finally going off. wheee!
8) homemade mint iced tea
9) that i’ve had a couple of moments this week of catching people’s eyes and seeing a sentient, aware, awake-ish being there. it’s surprisingly rare and beautiful and hope-renewing.
10) my friends saying nice things about my writing. it reminds me that i don’t suck, or at least they don’t think so, which is nice.
11) getting interviewed for tv again. on 9/11. i like this stuff. still have to watch my “ums” tho…
but, man. hi. on this coolish lovely summer night with cicadas making themselves heard in brooklyn, i am grateful for:
1) blue. i’ve been wearing a lot more blue and i’m kinda digging it.
2) the awesome yantra painting workshop i did last weekend at ananda ashram with sarah tomlinson. it took two full days and an evening and still not done. but such an intricate, oddly clearing practice. i have to finish painting mine, then will show and tell. we made the sri yantra which is all about the goddess and creative fertile everything.
3) that i have a complete proposal. omg.
4) that my mean yoga teacher won’t be teaching my morning class any more. so, it was decided for me.
5) feeling stronger, in bicep, in constitution
6) galactica mint coconut vegan ice cream
7) my landlord finally recaulking my sink and tub faucets that the handyman left dangling
8) that the writing has been flowing
9) walking by the $1 book cart outside the new local bookstore and picking up marianne williamson’s A Return to Love in hardback and reading the part about giving the love to yourself, because if you don’t relationships will be excruciating. and actually getting that at a deeper level. her writing is kind of harsh I’m noticing, very whap, whap. so if I get past feeling rebuked, I can get some nice shots of clarity from her.
10) and the above being odd because i just sent this to a friend today as a reminder: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
feeling a tad invisible and discouraged about certain artistic endeavors being too similar to other people’s artistic endeavors and somehow plugging on anyway. and yet. i am grateful for….
1) spending 10 hours on the BP this weekend.
2) root hill cafe in park slope. they rock, support them if you’re in the area.
3) getting the perfect beach invite for a quick dip today with the jjkk familiy. yay!!!
4) smelling like beach
5) the coincidences. like, snapping a pic on my cell phone of a street sign near the hudson for freedom place and sending it to a friend and getting a message back a few minutes later that he was, at the instant he received my pic, watching richie havens singing “freedom” on a woodstock special
6) my tank top that is reminding me to “trust the process”
7) that despite the discouragement, i still want to keep going
8) sandalwood mala beads
9) having an advance copy of mary karr’s new memoir, lit. which is so far of course great.
10) s. who talked me off the sad-ledge by reminding me that i might not actually be bummed out, just cooped up. and sure nuff, after a walk in the sun and an hour at the cafe and some writing, i was like, what? was i sad?
11) going into said cafe and there being a movie starring big bird playing on the silent tv. he’s in what i’m writing about.
12) cool neighbors
13) that someone in need of counsel asked me about lymph stuff, not knowing my background, and i had just that day printed out a diagram of the lymph system, and just two weeks ago got a bunch of lymph tips from a canadian bodyworker named jocelyn.
14) the feeling i had of being in a sexy, fluid body for a few minutes the other night while i was dancing at globesonic on a pier over the hudson river, syncing with the music and disappearing into how good it felt to disappear but still be aware of my hips and sway and groove.
15) that earlier that night a tiny little girl who could barely talk and was holding an abby cadabby doll (the cutest latest sesame street girl addition) came up to me and touched my skirt. and then came back again and touched my skirt, until her mom was starting to fret and i was like no, it’s ok, and asked about abby. and then later, sitting down with my feet stretched out in front of me and realizing exactly why i would be so attractive to a two-year-old: light pink fairy skirt with sparkly gold slippers. yeah, i am a two-year-old and abby cadabby is my mascot.
1) all you lovely readers and your sweet comments. it really helps in so many ways the valerie, inc. mission. not that that mission is totally clear but it has something to do with, well, spreading love or something. i mean tell that to the chick i glared at on the subway the other day, but, well, yeah. thanks for the lovely reflection and reminder.
2) summer. full-blown, too-hot subway stations summer. it’s like a delicious blast from the past that reminds me of early childhood and angsty adoloscence and early spike lee movies. sticky, smelly, sexy city summer. yum.
3) that my starfish/foot photo is the lead image on beliefnet tonight
4) um, i think i have a book proposal, minus a few tks and in need of an edit. but, like, a book proposal. soclose.
5) the mighty and talented e., my writing partner goddess
6) that j. gets to go on an indian adventure. is it possible to feel grateful for other people’s vacation fun?
7) a/c
8) vosges chili chocolate bars
9) globesonic anticipation–anyone wanna go dance by the hudson on friday night? i’m guessing it will just be me and my gold shoes and strangers, but that’s ok, i think. it’s august and the river and they got the beats, y’all.
10) that i haven’t felt the need to watch any dvd’s lately. like summer just fills me up almost past the need for distraction and fluff-filling.
8) my writing partner in crime and words and progress
9) that being back isn’t too-too awful
10) the cleansing full moon
11) the amazing anandra–so cool to be back in touch with an old friend who has blossomed into such a delightfully wise, sea-adjacent goddess-woman
12) flurtin’
13) the possibility of going all the way. no, like, finally busting through some blocks, some flow-halting inner polarities that tug me so oppositely that i get stuck in one canceled out place that’s not center, not movement, not core. flounder city. so, here’s to getting all the flows flowing in the same direction.
14) coco bliss vegan ice cream, even though coconut makes my throat itch
15) the first half of jeff in venice, death in varanasi. the second half, arg! not so much.
16) this quote, that i read at breakfast in conde nast traveler by sue halpern in a lovely story about biking with her family through denmark: “there is something hypnotic about riding a bike all day: It’s as if the hours get all their minutes back.” i miss that feeling.
17) that my yoga journal article on love finally came out (august issue, might still be on stands, blue cover), and thanks to great editing, beautiful art, and 900 rewrites, it looks good. very gratifying. and an amazing process of writing about love when, well, yeah.
18) that the universe seems to respond like invisible jello sometimes to my thoughts and actions and intentions
19) flowers
20) the community garden across the street. so many leafy greens. i really need to get on that waiting list.
21) my waterproof new canon. i haven’t destroyed it yet. yay.
22) that i have a job related to my dharma
23) the aveda essential oil mix that i copied. just call me impostor.
24) amy ippoliti’s amazing omega workshop. i just want to put her in my pocket and take her to yoga with me every day.
25) that even though my other yoga teacher reprimanded me in an upsetting and inappropriate way, i finished the practice. crying, snot pooling, but i am grateful that a voice came in, louder than the righteous indignation, than the “why is everyone so mean?” and “life is too hard,” and it said: USE THIS. like, take this trigger, take these feelings and use them. this is an opportunity to work with shame and blame and pain and hurt and keep your center, find your power, sistah.
26) that when i finish my book proposal i’m allowed to date again. hear that, universe? just a couple more weeks. xo, valerie
