i am grateful for:

1) wah! playing last night at the 700 Voices festival and saying that often every song ends up turning into “hare krishna.” and how that could be true with everything. she said she wished it could be her only response: “what time is it?” “hare krishna.” “do you want to go to the party?” “hare krishna.” because we don’t know, really, any complete answers to anything–like until yesterday she had no idea there was a garbage dump the size of texas in the ocean and now everything has changed. but “hare krishna” seems to cover it all–just chanting god’s name.

2) john de kadt showing up today at the fest and his kick-ass drumming getting my groove on for the first time in many months.

3) the notion that chanting cleans the heart and the image i got of windshield wipers cutting through my mud, leaving a clear arc of glass that it can see through. what if we all had prajna through our hearts, even if it was just through a small clearing in the schmutz that would be enough to change everything? hare krishna.

4) j., for hanging and dancing and getting me chanting this weekend

5) the lovely kent falls inn and the dozens of fireflies doing their thing against the dark trees

6) that i had another coincidence relating to this thing i keep having coincidences about. [cryptic-and-vague alert.] i mean i hate being reminded, and i feel like enough, enough, enough, already. but i’m pretty sure it means some sort of universal beloved is whispering in my ear and i don’t know what she’s saying exactly, but it makes me want to try and listen. it makes me want to pay attention and see how i can transform my suffering–and oy, i am still suffering–into something brokenly beautiful that might help other people with their broken hearts that they also keep willing whole.

7) cold, dark swimming pools with dark bottoms

8) seeing a cute, chubby groundhog today. s/he doesn’t worry about her weight, i can tell you that. (god, i hope–please say there’s no groundmopolitan magazine with tips on “eating grass for a leaner you” articles.)

9) stars

10) my new saying after chanting today and walking into the finally brilliant sunshine: om namah sunshine-ah!

11) j. and d., who made us a lovely csa-fueled lunch in the back of their sweet little kent shop today

12) the lingering amma-ness

13) this sentence, that i found by following this facebook game/instruction: “pick up the nearest book. not the coolest or smartest, but nearest. turn to page 56, find the 5th sentence and make it your status update.” i haven’t done the last part yet, but here it is: “The yogi’s mind thus meditating, becomes unobstructed from the atomic to the infinite.” — the yoga sutras of patanjali. and i swear that was really closest, but only because of a creative freak-out that made me start researching instead of digging within for answers. but hey, meditation. i heard that’s some dope shit. maybe i should try it. god. i can’t recall the last time i sat. that is sad. want to meditate with me?

14) creative hope

15) getting an incredible thai massage outdoors from a lovely sweet man named kit (sp?) who lives in monterey, mass. if you get a chance, get under his fingers.

16) that in three separate instances in the last 48 hours i have heard the phrase “may the force be with you.”

may the force be with you. hare krishna.

oh dear, i have to go to sleep. but i miss you, bloggorinas. so very quickly.

i am grateful for:

1) the powerful shakti emanating from amma that just so there for the imbibing

2) the love: http://blog.beliefnet.com/freshliving/2009/07/amma-amma-amma.html

3) getting hugged by amma (thanks, my friend, for helping with that)

4) that some of my homegirls were there and some got hugged for the first time and felt it

5) running into someone from maui, someone i like, a friend, someone i sort of dated, someone i almost dated. basically every long-haired romantic possibility ever. go amma.

6) the angelic massage chair massage at amma

7) the cumulative affect of her hugs

8) the profound beauty of the whole love manifest thing

9) the smell of roses

10) spiritual shopping

11) being around people who have similar desires to connect with something larger, to connect with Amma. that free feeling of being around people who speak my language–the spirit plus new york. and it feels like i can be exactly who i need to be. materialistic and crass and irreverent and reverant and gentle and moved and full of potent grace, receptive to love.

12) my amma rock tour t-shirt

13) that i’m going to the woods to chant all weekend. yay.

14) being home

15) the feelings of love i generate just by working on a project. just by moving things along. i love myself more and it just explodes and i get a glimpse of the rockin chick i’ll be someday.

16) monkeys

17) darker skin

18) sleep, sleep, sleep

PLUS things i want:

1) a cute man to ask me out to the movies

2) more sleep

3) a massage

4) lots and lots of dancing to live drums

5) to finish this thing already

6) money

7) peace

8) an apartment or house that i own and love

9) more hugs

it’s sunday night of a long(ish) weekend. can i run away and join the cirqueous? play in the soleil?

i am grateful for:

1) the iron serra sculptures at the dia: beacon and lying on the cool cement floor inside them and doing call and response bird noises with strangers inside them

2) silver lamé tom’s shoes

3) rediscovering “poemcrazy: freeing your life with words” by susan goldsmith woolridge

4) pending vacation

5) 700 voices

6) amma anticipation

7) four loads of laundry

8) the csa veggies from my neighbors

9) fireworks that aren’t too loud or too close

10) that the drunko who fell on me on the subway last night didn’t break anything

11) annie dillard

12) feeling surrounded by writers

13) words

14) fireflies. oh, fireflies. the most enchanting, hope-implanting bugs

15) the little moments when it seems like i am not just alone and not just stuck. but pre-bigness. pre-change-for-the-better. pre-sparkles. because in those moments i not only feel hopeful about shucking off a kind of misery hull, but also grateful for everything right now that is not misery. everything that is already shiny and good and light. it wakes up my heart, this hope. which is painful and delicious in a scary, vulnerable, hurts-to-want way. cracks for the light to get it.

16) hawthorne valley farm’s bianca cheese

17) love texts

1) the smell of bandaids

2) buying fun novels to read

3) lorelei and rory

4) lunch with b. and yogic brainstorming

5) j and the work walks

6) susan miller’s wonderful predictions for me of freedom

7) progress in creative endeavors

8) that i don’t have any tattoos

9) “rock with you”

10) amma coming next week. smooosh.

11) possibly actually letting go of something i’ve been trying to let go of for a really long-ass time. not all there, but just around the want-to-crack-shit-up-with-a-baseball-bat mode is something sunnier and more released. i can tell. i hope. i really don’t want to be bitter with lines around my mouth from too much lip-puckering, the kind i do when i’m stressed. i really want to laugh a little bit more every day. when i’m 80, you’ll just come over and we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh. no more words just that delightful delirious feeling of true run-away laughter. people used to make fun of my laugh. but no one does now because it seems to be mia. here, laughter, laughter. heeeere. well, hopefully it will get here soon so i can be that 80-year-old with slapped up knees and a strong core and smile lines deep as a happy river.