i am grateful for…

1) seeing cm and al tonight. catching up with old friends even for a few hours c’est lovely.

2) leaving the un-a/c’d office

3) that i have two astrologer recommendations–need help reading the tea leaves of these insane coincidences i’ve been having, one after another and another and a sister and a brother.

4) bare arms

5) feeling like eating salad again after only wanting soup

6) that upon realizing i have the annual CT scan coming up in a few weeks (uuuhhhhg), two friends have said they are willing to sit with me through the 3.5-hour process.

7) california dreamin’

8) the gigantic crystals at astro world on 34th street

9) talking about journalism, even a little bit

10) the pom-pom wavers in my life

i am grateful for…

1) rediscovering “the wasteland.” thanks, h. and learning that the first line, “april is the cruellest month” (which is what lead me back to the poem) is followed by the last line of: “shanthi, shanthi, shanthi.” how was eliot versed in sanskrit?

2) the relief that follows a really, really bad day of depression. storm lifting, all of that. I’m re-reading/finishing vivian gornick’s amazing little book “the situation and the story,” and the bit she quotes of didion’s migraine essay, “in bed,” feels similar: “for when the pain recedes, ten or twelve hours later, everything goes with it, all the hidden resentments, all the vain anxieties. the migraine has acted like a circuit breaker, and the fuses have emerged intact. there is a pleasant convalescent euphoria. i open the windows and feel the air, eat gratefully, sleep well. i notice the particular nature of a flower in a glass on the stair landing. i count my blessings.” i don’t feel quite so cleansed–still raw and a little disoriented tho surprisingly functional–but similar. and blessings, counted, here.

3) for mt, my friend who was born today… what? 39 years ago. man, when your older ex-boyfriends start turning (almost) 40…. :)

4) this book i’m reading about pranayama, “the practice of breath.” it’s neat. been trying to belly-breathe more. it’s really hard.

5) for the free-range chicken(s) who died for my dinner. i know it’s not exactly like they threw themselves into my suttee pan after ripping out their own feathers for me. but. well. grateful.

6) feeling strong in my arms

7) love

8) the little bunchlets of purple flowers growing on some branches in the park yesterday.

9) sleep

10) the park slope tui na place

from thich nhat hanh–i just found it on this lovely blog, lotus in the mud:

in this sheet of paper

1) j. walking me and feeding me blue marble ice cream. it’s true for me, this spring thing–that depression spikes in the first beautiful days after the dreary awful ones. but yay for friends who walk and ice cream and listen.

2) that my cold seemed to go away before taking hold this time. go immune system!

3) my ricecooker

4) that the weather seems to be making other people happy

5) yoga today with angie. she rocks.

6) sirasana

7) that i did all the laundry and the dishes and the tidying despite the weepy overwhelminess.

8) blueberries

9) the black bird with the yellow and orange wings in the park. so pretty. (b., do you know what that might have been?)

10) the slightly scary, very fuzzy giant bumblebee who hovered around us in the park. those wings–so fast and blurry! do giant bumblebees sting?

i am grateful for:

1) the brooklyn flea

2) sunshine daydream delicious, thank the holy mother goddess of spring, sunshiney saturday

3) going inside into my cool dark home after the blazing sun

4) cute, smiley brooklyn firefighters

5) getting a gorgeous scarf at the flea handwoven by women in cambodia (in a happy way)

6) the late, great bea arthur

7) pink nailpolish

8) hearts

9) some hope that roxana saberi’s hunger strike will have some effect

10) tabla’s unfortunately named, extremely delicious “slumdog” cocktail

i am grateful for:

1) the amazing writing class attention and help tonight. omg it’s so fun to feel like a writer again.

2) that work had eddied ever so slightly for the moment

3) the interesting nyer article this week about neurodrugs. one thing she did not say explicity tho is that–they make us better cogs for corporate ownership.

4) heartman (hi, sweets!)

5) the insane coincidence of seeing my heartpain’s guru on a healer’s altar this morning. with all sorts of coral and rock shaped like hearts piled in front of him. and when i was like, um, that’s weird, the healer was surprised especially because she had just started re-reading his book the night before. when i asked if it was common for him to be on altars she said no, not common at all. huh. so what do we do with coincidences? i mean, nothing to do. but maybe feel assured that there is a force larger and more connected than me. that is trying to mess with me? no, probably not. letting me know that it’s all going to be ok? that i will heal whatever it is that keeps me clutching and i will move along little doggy when the rest of my life stabilizes a bit more. maybe. she said “it is all part of the dance.” thoughts on interpreting coincidences?

6) the delicious healing and reminder to breathe from my belly, not just my head and my heart as i apparently seem to be doing.

7) having some help. help is good.

8) the shrink pointing out that i am not crazy or broken or anything quite so dramatic, but rather very, very tired. on all levels. because the last years have been non-stop with the health and the heart and the struggling to find some solid, safe ground. and i am. so fucking exhausted. i want to be held by some white sands for even a few days. so i have energy to figure out how to dial down the stress i whip up in my very own crowded brain. but i don’t have the energy to plan, so i’m asking around for a good travel agent. got one?

9) my central park glasses from fish’s eddie

10) flowers. blooming. dogwood blossoms fallen smushing. green popping. white bursting.

of course. he lights up my week, again:

Astrology and Tarot cards are my favorite divinatory tools, but I also get a lot of use out of magnetic poetry kits. These are boxes full of evocative words and symbols in the form of refrigerator magnets. Sometimes after analyzing your astrological omens, I’ll close my eyes, beam a question out into the ethers, and pluck a few magnets at random from one of my poetry kits. I just did that for you. “What are the keys to unlocking the enormous reserves of energy that are potentially available for Aries folks right now?” I asked. Here’s the message that came: “swooping orgasms & laughing tears.” (Or it could also be arranged this way: “laughing orgasms & swooping tears.”)

i am grateful for…

1) learning that i am not the only one who wants to hide under the covers until summer comes, or life changes, or something

2) this awesome ganesha shoutout from the divine artist jennifer

3) hawthorne valley sauerkraut

4) that i’m checking out a new healer tomorrow

5) making it to yoga today with s.–feeling more physically stable, if stiff

6) belated birthday presents

7) launching a big work project. whew.

8) blue spoon coffee shop on chambers (chambers, right?). and that s. goes with me after yoga.

9) that i have hung on to a semblance of sanity even though this weather is really just harshing my mellow on so many levels.

10) ardha chandrasana

11) the writing class, which i am savoring to the last drop

12) hanging with miss k. and holding baby l. last night.

was that a weekend? it felt like a finger-snap. more, please.

i am grateful for…

1) frozen hot chocolate

2) that i got to yoga this afternoon even tho it was a little meh.

3) walking across the east river and then walking along the hudson river in the same hour. it’s so easy to forget, when we’re just brushing with it or chugging it or rinsing with it, that water is alive. that it breathes. i could feel the river breathing today. sighing and undulating and relaxing and holding light. so nice. that brackness.

4) ghenet on douglass

5) the nyt mag’s green issue today. and i know it makes me really a cheeseball, but the momix is pretty damn inspired.

6) that it’s getting warm enough to start sweating in yoga again

7) extended remix birthdays

8) the zoo! the bronx zoo. and the bebe giraffe. and the pride. and the color blue of the peacocks’ necks. but not the kids so much. i keep waiting to feel little tugs. but not so much with the howling.

9) that i have a friend who decided to have her 40th birthday at the zoo. with a special focus on the tiger enrichment program.

10) waaaaaaaaaaaaarmth. sun. spring. blooms. open community gardens. roller bladers. jump-ropers. the promise, half-delivered, of spring. and then of summer. yum.