it’s white and gray and rainy in the bk this sunday morn. and presumably very cold, judging by the amount of heat that’s hissing through my pipes.

i’m grateful for:
1) snow, snow, glorious snow. last night while i was sitting in james (the bar/restaurant near my pad), it started floating down again, caught in the yellowing streetlight against the charcoal sky and everything.
2) my sweet, simple christmas tree
3) tart cosmos from james (and the realization that cosmos are a pink drink AND the universe. so did the cosmos send me a message last night?)
4) essential oils (i’m blending like a witch)
5) g-girls. logan.
6) that i’ve been mending things–my coat pockets, this silk Indian nightgown. it feels so nice to be able to make something tangibly whole and better with my hands.
7) staying in contact. being stayed in contact with.
8) that i’m going to swim with the polar bears
9) angie’s yoga class at shambhala yesterday
10) the hope that maybe the crashing of mass consumer delusion will help something bigger and more important be revealed
11) hafiz

and specifically i’m grateful for:

1) coming home and sliding into my jammies and onto the couch for a soothing gilmore girls set. that safe, warm home feeling that says, “shh, everything’s ok.”
2) seeing footloose with the raspberry brothers (i.e., my friend j. and his friends). it’s like mystery science theater 2000 but with men. and the movie. itself–delightful. richly homoerotic. such nice juicy wet man ass. you just don’t get that anymore in the straight teen films.
3) seeing j. after all these years
4) the planet platter at souen last night. oh and the ginger cookies. macro treats, yum.
5) that i’m obsessing less
6) my cute tree
7) gathering with lovely friends
8) acknowledging the thought habits that bring me down the most. e.g.: “man, I really need to call X.” A week passes. “Oh my god I can’t beleive I haven’t called X. I am such a bad person, I’m such a terrible friend. She’ll hate me forever.” But now that it’s been this long how can i possibly call…. etc. a set-up for self-loathing.
9) that some dentists still use nitrous, baby. man, that’s good. and actually extremely helpful for a pain-sensitive nelly like me.

“when all your desires are distilled; you will cast just two votes: to love more, and be happy.”

it was like big fluffy cotton balls drifting down just now. so lovely. sigh. so to commemorate, i wordled it…

i am grateful for:
homemade gingerbread by j
homemade flax, chocolate chip oatmeal cookies by j
s’mores with friends
the fulton street russian baths
rishi chai made in my bigger bodum
my cute cute tree with led lights
still making lovely new friends
hanging out with lovely old friends
letting go more
j and w coming in all the way from connecticut
the manifestation collages j and i are making
yoga feeling more fluid this morning
the new bsg webisodes i have yet to watch
the amazing tea deva!

ps: wish list alert. dear bad santa (and listening friends), do you know of a photographer who could take some portraits of me for not too much money? i’d like them for professional stuff so i don’t have to drag a friend and a digital camera to a nearby park every time i need one. thanks!

1) the veganomicon cookbook (i haven’t made anything yet, but so far it’s actually fun to read. yeah, i know. but really.)
2) this great-sounding fudge recipe (thanks, h!)
3) BATHTUBS
4) noticing that i must be getting depressed because i’m isolating–not returning emails, phonecalls, and the like. good to notice, i think.
5) that i won the war of the purple coat i was stalking. on sale, finally. and so cute! and not black!
6) that we had a little sing-along to “sing” (”sing, sing out loud, sing out stroooong. don’t worry if it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear. just sing. sing a song.”) yesterday at the end of the work day (and way to make me feel old, kids, the ones who had never heard it!)
7) 3:30 meditation
8) nikki at kula
9) the amazing 1988 jungle brothers album i downloaded
10) kdz, babee. so good, will you come to nyc and play for me?
11) that today is my lost-virginiversary. i won’t divulge the year. but it’s nice to think about, actually. i know most people have some sort of horror story or awkward story. but mine was sweet. i mean, it involved climbing out a boy’s dorm room window afterward and getting scratched by hedges and then going to dinner in a dining hall. but i don’t think i would have changed a thing. (oh and today is also the anniversary of my first kiss. on the cheek.)

I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.
- Hafiz

The way you make love is the way
God will be with you.
- Rumi

“Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.”
- Rumi

“In your light I learn how to love.
In your beauty, how to make poems.
You dance inside my chest,
where no one sees you.”
- Hafiz

One day You will take my heart completely and make it more fiery than a dragon. Your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet.
- Hafiz

The God Who Only Knows Four Words
Every
Child
Has Known God,
Not the God of names,
Not the God of don’ts,
Not the God who does
Anything Weird,
But the God who only knows four words
And keeps repeating them, saying:
“Come Dance with Me.”
Come
Dance.
- Hafiz

This Sky
This
Sky
Where we live
Is no place to lose your wings
So love, love,
Love.
- Hafiz

i’ve been a little spotty here. maybe that’s why i’m feeling sort of more half empty. this is the quote that’s been speaking to me:

“I don’t mind the despair, it’s the hope I can’t take.” -Charlie Brown

I’m grateful for:

1) holding the brand-new baby l. in intensive care yesterday. the lovely strong calm girl that felt like heavy air in my arms. and looking at her little, new face and having the thought to myself, “are you getting this? because this is a big deal. this is a soul. this is a brand-new human.” and i almost did.
2) that i’m listening to the new live krishna das album
3) new highlights from jane
4) hearing j’s stories about india–the slums, the warmth, the chai, the temples–and taking a vicarious trip.
5) that p’s status update said his wife of 10 years still gives him stomach butterflies
6) kz
7) the amazing brazilian concert at BAM this weekend
8) sweating it all out at bikram on saturday night. i forgot how purging it is. and weirdly bonding, all suffering together–siblings in shared sweat. i exchanged little secret smiles with the woman next to me even tho that sort of expression of joy or pain seems verboten there.
9) chai
10) rb, still
11) this wonderful book, the history of last night’s dream. i’m especially digging the part about creating healing visualizations and how to “correct” or, really, finish unfinished dreams in waking life. and therefore mending some of the “source” material. i’ve done some of that before and found it incredibly helpful. it’s cool to see that it’s birthed in kabbalah, partly.

i’m probably a little late to the party here, but this is really nifty. you can get posters and cards of it at east west books (which is also having a 30% off sale on all crystals if you’re feeling that sort of thing).