i am grateful for…

1) fresh, clean food every day that i don’t have to cook or clean up after

2) feeling safe

3) learning so many things i’ve been craving for so long–how to assist, how to speak to a class, how to structure a sequence, how to translate the essence of yoga through a physical practice

4) that miss d’s second surgery went well. sending so much light for her upcoming chemo adventures. i am grateful for her strength and the outpouring from all her amazing friends. i am grateful for her posey IV photo. and am excited to see how the surgeons rearranged her sheila na gig tattoo.

5) my “spiritual gangster” t-shirt

6) a love who listens

7) bc’s awesome photos (see my facebook page)

8) somehow feeling rested enoughish on 6 hours of sleep a night

9) kripalu having coffee now

10) THE LAKE

11) my little ritual of bringing dinner down to the lake, eating while watching the water ripple just before dusk, geese flying, ducks swimming in sweet mama-baby formation

12) friends appearing here almost as i think of them

13) overheard conversation snippets like, “and then i invoked aphrodite” at dinner

14) not having time to mull

15) somehow staying above water with criticism. ok, maybe there’s a little water in my nose, but my ears are still breathing. why is it so hard to learn? are there people who are unafraid to mess up while learning even if the mistakes they make seem to reveal something tender and disturbing about their soul? e.g., “you all need to pay more attention to your students,” “teaching isn’t about you.” i translate that as, “i, personally, am selfish and horrible and will never be able to teach properly because i am inherently such a self-involved jerko.” i know this wasn’t the intention, that it’s a clear lesson: “pay attention to the people in front of you.” duh. but somehow when it enters my learning tubes, which are clogged with feelings of unworthiness and shame, i get all twisted and hear: “you suck.” you know?

16) being reminded to use “i” statements, and seeing how powerful it is when people are corrected and restate with the “i.” (and glad so far it’s not me being corrected for that.)

17) such a fantastically supportive learning environment. i mean 3-on-1 massages before a practice teach? yesss. that’s a tradition i’d like to uphold when i teach real classes.

18) alternate nostril kappalabhati

19) chocolate chip cookies from the café

20) a reminder to love

21) a reminder to set intentions

22) that b is coming on friday. otherwise known as yay!day

23) baby bunnies everywhere

24) coming home

25) fresh pressed local apple cider and cinnamon raisin bread

26) august in the berkshires

i am grateful for:

1) d’s surgery going well, and that she has the spunk already to be annoyed with herself for not healing faster. i mean ultimately i wish for her patient self-love. but really, irritated impatience helps in hospitals. love you, girl.

2) buses with wi-fi

3) the coolness of urban river arts. great arts org in brooklyn founded by the bf’s sister. amazing fundraiser last night.

4) sprinkles. chocolate.

5) not getting completely drowned in the rain this morning

6) having multiple friends in europe right now. when to visit? hmmm…

7) synchronized texting

8) a late night snack of everything bagel, cream cheese, marilee’s tomato, and red onion

9) a/c

10) the urge to create

11) seeing so much sky this summer

12) interweaving lives. terrifying but/and good.

13) shakti

14) new towels that pass the absorbency test

15) trashy novels

16) a clean house

17) luff

18) beach towels in full use

19) sand on my apartment floor

20) that my iced coffee making skills are improving. next stop: iced coffee ice cubes for the iced coffee.

21) the little facebook details: sherry and the teacup dress she wants, nicole meeting ?uestlove, effie being irritated with all the pretty young smokers.

i am grateful for:

1) that wobbly, excited, scared feeling of impending adventure

2) being mainly ok with the book remaining in seed form for now

3) a writing buddy who whispers the universe’s wisdom to me all the way from paris

4) not pushing the river

5) meeting at the crossroads of misunderstanding, knee-jerk reaction, sweaty frustration, disorientation, love, and willingness, and walking toward home together, hand-in-hesitant-hand.

6) the way trying to understand actually peeks through my resistance to understanding anything other than my own understanding. hello, grown-up self. pull up a chair. have some tea.

7) the ping of incoming email

8) heirloom tomatoes drowned in olive oil and salt

9) seaweed

10) little sprouts of my teaching potential

11) people who keep journals

12) packing in an orderly way

13) valerie cherish in the comeback. lisa kudrow, you are a genius. where are you? when can i see more of your brilliance?

14) paperwork, done

15) books on anatomy. is it weird that i really want to see a cadaver? i’m not sure i wouldn’t pass out, but i love the idea of seeing how it all looks in there.

16) gourmet popsicles

i am grateful for…

1) the suggestion from b.c. that i switch from saying “unemployed” to “free.” it feels much, well, free-er.

2) iced coffee from milk bar

3) visiting a college friend’s farm in sagaponack and not only getting to see her, but also my other friend who happened to be visiting from chicago. i heart these magic coincidence treats. especially when accompanied by fresh, organic heirloom tomatoes.

4) morning sleep

5) beaches–soft rocks, sharp rocks, no rocks. all salty goodness.

6) conversations about the heart of a something that dance around nothing

7) waves of support for yoga teacher training. excited!

8) friends working on projects that nourish

9) funky pro kadima

10) a rediscovery of paddle sports in general

11) butterflies

12) looking at a picture and seeing the happiness in my face

13) new adventures (are there any old adventures?)

14) watching my brave, funny, great friend face cancer. sigh. fucking cancer.

15) the moon, all fullish

16) talking to paris

17) books. made from paper.

18) b.c. being cool about my eyes shut during most of “inception,” which i think they could have more accurately called “insipid.”

19) getting home after a hot day and drinking water and eating breyer’s and watching jon stewart on the sofa with my cool-skinned honey

20) watermelon

21) long island beer, potatoes, fruit, fish, water, and sun

wow! so much. i am grateful for:

1) massachusetts blueberries

2) surviving nine days of silence and meditation and no eye contact with my brain and mind and body intact

3) seeing hints of a shift: lighter eyes, more equanimity, an actual desire to meditate

4) not being in a cubicle

5) being accepted to yoga teacher training and that i get to do the one i’ve been wanting to do for about 15 years

6) having time to do yoga teacher training

7) holding steady to a new life direction

8) conway pond

9) tiny blue dragonflies hovering on the water

10) touch, especially after nine days of none

11) s.n. goenka

12) iphone photobooth apps

13) hot air balloons

14) hanging out with a tot just learning to speak, watching all those words accumulate and string together

15) not being alone with my mind right now

16) a cleaner fridge (i almost wanted to pet and nuzzle what i found in there just now.)

17) a new idea for an online magazine

18) summmmmmmmer!

19) reciprocation

20) home

21) love

22) the word “equanimous.” and how it rhymes with eponymous and hippopotamus.

Ode to Thanks

by Pablo Neruda

Thanks to the word that says thanks!
Thanks to thanks,
word
that melts
iron and snow!

The world is a threatening place
until
thanks
makes the rounds
from one pair of lips to another,
soft as a bright
feather
and sweet as a petal of sugar,
filling the mouth with its sound
or else a mumbled
whisper.
Life becomes human again:
it’s no longer an open window.
A bit of brightness
strikes into the forest,
and we can sing again beneath the leaves.
Thanks, you’re the medicine we take
to save us from
the bite of scorn.
Your light brightens the altar of harshness.

Or maybe
a tapestry
known
to far distant peoples.
Travelers
fan out
into the wilds,
and in the jungle
of strangers,
merci
rings out
while the hustling train
changes countries,
sweeping away borders,
then spasibo
clinging to pointy
volcanoes, to fire and freezing cold,
or danke, yes! and gracias, and
the world turns into a table:
a single word has wiped it clean,
plates and glasses gleam,
silverware tinkles,
and the tablecloth is as broad as a plain.

Thank you, thanks,
for going out and returning,
for rising up
and settling down.
We know, thanks,
that you don’t fill every space-
you’re only a word-
but
where your little petal
appears
the daggers of pride take cover,
and there’s a penny’s worth of smiles.

i am grateful for:

1) feeling grateful

2) beliefnet intern marysa sheren’s blog

3) this, from her blog:

The Final Analysis Prayer by Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

4) filling out an application for a dream

5) bbq’d fish and fruit

6) friday, the day of laundry, cleaning, and rest

7) having a deadline today

8) not being on a subway today

9) coffee shops with wi-fi

10) support from bosses past

11) having a very planned day tomorrow

12) iced coffee

13) da love

14) how wearing a boyfriend’s sweatshirt feels like a sweet hug

15) allowing myself to feel the sweetness. and getting: the act of enjoying does not equal ruining, as some weird webby corner of my psyche seems to think. enjoying = joy. joy = one of the main things i’m pretty sure we’re here for.

16) “sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” -thich nhat hanh

17) my wood-burning hot tub injury healing well. if sorely.

18) weleda’s burn care ointment

i am grateful for:

1) freedom from cubicle-land

2) teeth

3) being in the catskills when i got the call, where they answer the phone, “hello, waterfall house”

4) woodburning hot tubs

5) waterfalls with world-class swimming holes

6) suma the cat

7) possibility

8) time

9) ideas

10) that independence day so closely coincides with my being laid off

11) teal toenails (not blue, but totally fun)

12) the amazing support i’ve gotten

13) making a list of all the things i’ve wanted to do for years and maybe actually getting a chance to do them

14) the notion of living less like waiting and more like diving into a fabulous meal

15) the preview for the smurfs movie, complete with tone loc soundtrack

16) love

17) planned lunches

18) hammocks

19) seeing birds: blue jays and hummingbirds and woodpeckers and a teeny tiny finch

20) safety despite feeling groundless

21) yoga every day

22) time to see/chat with all of you

i am grateful for:

1) having enough food

2) peacefully confronting the subway preacher who was trying to tell a bunch of little kids they were going to hell. and him leaving the car even though he wouldn’t look me in the eye.

3) getting away to trees

4) green juice

5) getting to work with so many cool people for so many years

6) sleeping bags

7) the garden at pure food and wine. red chaise, tree canopy, pretty people, yummy drinks.

8) heat

9) yoga on the great lawn. i wrote about it: http://blogs.yogajournal.com/ny09/2010/06

10) the two elenas in my life. the name means “light” and i have gotten so much of it from you both

11) having a place to crash in paris

12) b. getting his new iphone. iMazel tov, babe.

13) caught in a rainstorm, soaked through, home safe

14) chocolate covered raisins

i am grateful for:

1) water

2) sea shells

3) conversations that unearth the roots

4) making a yummy meal of farro, arugula pesto, farmer’s market greens, and salmon

5) the mouse in my house

6) this amazing blog post, “sneaky hate spiral”

7) midday nail salon backrubs

8) my magenta sofa

9) “out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. i’ll meet you there.” -rumi

10) sighing the stress away