need a hug gratitude

Petals. By BC.

Petals. By BC in BK.

i am grateful for…

1) no shoulder tears on my MRI. did i mention that already? if so, it’s so nice i’m saying it twice. now for PT, ice, and anti-inflammatories.

2) a sweet photo album and necklace for mother’s day.

3) realizing that mother’s day is kind of a big deal. i didn’t think it would really matter that my husband couldn’t get the day off, or that my mom and her man left after breakfast. but suddenly i felt like the biggest mom loser in park slope (Mom’s Day here is basically Mardi Gras, without the beads, and the only exposed boobs are feeding babies. but just like it otherwise.). yep, my inner brat kicked in. even though i made a lovely breakfast and was getting to hang with my little guy, i felt like, HEY! I’m ALONE on Mother’s Day! Aren’t I supposed to be picnicking with my family in the sunny park like everyone else on the planet? i think it was just a breaking point for all the overwhelm i’m feeling lately. tired, so tired, and scared, so scared, caring for a little guy who is so in need of care but honestly doesn’t seem so nuts about me, which is developmentally appropriate, but not the most fun all the time. people say there’s a point where they express their love, but i think it’s not for a while. i mean he smiles at me, but at anyone with a good duck voice too.

i’m not used to all this selfless tending. i’m used to selfish tending. or at least just me and my husband and friends tending. but now i’m feeling kind of empty and tired and like all i want to do is nap and go shopping for spring dresses to accommodate my newly gigantic milkers. and i can’t come close to affording that, time- or money-wise. so i feel whiny and teary and tired and… gratitude, what? oh, right. i got to hang with my healthy, adorable, awesome baby boy. and my husband came home and gave me the most gorgeous heart bling (Psst: Arima’s Jewelry). and i live in an awesome place and the flowers are out and it is finally warm and i have health insurance and dresses that might fit if i adjust some things. i’m loaded with goodness, just. i need a nap and a hug.

4) the big boy sleeping on his belly last night! we changed him out of the aptly named Magic Merlin Sleepsuit he’s been sleeping in the last three months, and two seconds after setting him down in the crib on his back, wham, belly! we know he can flip back over if he needs to, but still, it’s weird. my husband turned the light on last night to feed him and apparently the little guy just pushed up and was like, “wha? yeah, i’m doing cobra in my sleep, what’s your problem?” so growing up!

5) ganesha. i feel the elephant presence all over this apartment and it make me happy.

6) petals. just, everywhere soft pink petals like rain kisses. heaven.

7) 84 degrees F, baby!

8) having a job.

9) having a great sitter who h. clearly loves. (so he loves me too, right? i just can’t see it? because that would be just like me.)

10) my man. he’s so good, even when i’m fraying at the seams. in fact, especially.

 

Valerie Reissneed a hug gratitude